When You Don't Give Up

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    4 YEARS AGO
    
    

    I'm spinning circles in my head, feeling like i don't know what to do. How does someone go from such highs to utter confusion? Does a heart that expands from so much love eventually have to deflate... The only thing i feel right now is tired. Of trying to find the balance between asking for too much help and too little help. I would say I feel pathetic but as soon as I think it, I dispute it. I've been so consumed by trying to figure myself out.. what kind of tendencies do I have, what do I know and not know about myself? How much of it do I need to know? What do I want... and how do I want to get there? It all comes down to feeling like I am so much more than this. Why I feel stuck, or lost, unsatisfied, I don't know. People keep me sane, they pull me out of my attractive but completely unreal world. I keep slipping back into it, whatever 'it' is. Am I going to be this way forever? How much will I lose in continuing on this path? Is it worth it to find out, is knowledge everything or will I end up expiring anyway? It's a lot of pain. I feel it, I'm in it, it exudes out of me. I'm drowning in it, and suffocating from it. I feel like a child, one that is forever motherless. Young, and free. but trapped.  I have to try harder. I won't give up. TODAY I'm spinning circles in my head, feeling like i don't know what to do because the options are endless. How does someone go from utter confusion to such highs? Does a heart that expands from so much love eventually have to deflate...or will it grow to accommodate more love? The only thing i feel right now is tired. Of trying to find the balance between asking for too much help and too little help. But what's important is that I'm trying. I would say I feel pathetic but as soon as I think it, I dispute it. Because I know I'm not. I've been so consumed by trying to figure myself out.. what kind of tendencies do I have, what do I know and not know about myself? How much of it do I need to know? What do I want... and how do I want to get there? I do it because I really want to know myself. It all comes down to feeling like I am so much more than this. That's my drive. Why I feel stuck, or lost, unsatisfied, I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm out of my comfort zone. People keep me sane, they pull me out of my attractive but completely unreal world. I keep slipping back into it, whatever 'it' is. Because "it" is a part of me that I value, even if others don't. Am I going to be this way forever? For a day? How much will I lose in continuing on this path? How much will I gain? Is it worth it to find out, is knowledge everything or will I end up expiring anyway? Only I can determine if it's worth it. It's a lot of pain, growing. I feel it, I'm in it, it exudes out of me. I'm drowning in it, and suffocating from it. So I can learn to swim, and breathe, on my own terms. I feel like a child, one that is forever motherless, but defined by so much more. Young, and trapped. But free. I want to try harder. I won't give up.